the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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