she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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