So drunk its hurt
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
