I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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