So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize