Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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