Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
