Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
