and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
