Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
