Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Welp...herpes.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize