he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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