I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
