Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
As shirtless as possible
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
