fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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