I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
