Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
