Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
