i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
