today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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