I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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