I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
