Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
