We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
