there's paper in my vomit.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
