How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
