I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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