I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize