You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
