Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
