oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
