P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the day after is always just damage control
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
