I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
