I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize