i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
