Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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