And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
