This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
