If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
