I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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