We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
