so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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