Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sext me about skeletons
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
