wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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