You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
