how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
