He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
