i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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