if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
