nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
