You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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