dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
