My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
