sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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