Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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