I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
