last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Randomize
