I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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