So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
