just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
